Sunday, October 16, 2011

Living My Truth

The past few weeks have been incredibly overwhelming and emotionally draining, nothing about this time has been easy. Its been challenging and trying. While I've tried putting on a brave face for a bit, its not something I can do any more. While I've been honest here on the blog, when speaking to some people, its easier to skirt over how I'm truly feeling about my current situation. Its easier to pretend than really delve into feelings.

There's no other way to say it other than that I absolutely hate things as they are right now. I know hate is a strong, harsh word, but right now, in this moment, its the appropriate word. I tried telling certain people what they wanted to hear but I can't do that any more. I need to be 100% honest, truthful with myself and with others in my life. I need to start living my truth, even if its not what other want to hear. I can't lie to make them feel better about my situation or the sorts of things I'm dealing with.

Katie sent me an amazing email that I took to heart, it was what helped me decide to start completely living my truth. Right now, I'm loathing my situation and I'm completely owning that. Its also completely empowering to me, which probably sounds entirely crazy. But for me, every time I say it out loud, its me acknowledging that this place and this job aren't right for me. Its what's propelling me forward, making me send out resumes, and forcing me to take an active role in my life to make things better and fight like hell to get an end result that I want. Its sort of like taking life by the balls and saying "you screwed me hard this time, but next time, we're doing it my way."

I know things will get better and that there have to be some like minded people here, people I will eventually find. I doubt that I will ever truly love GA and the situation I've found myself in, right now, I'm going for tolerance. I truly believe that people have to go through some dark days to fully appreciate all the good things life has to offer. Right now is one of those dark times for me. I always come out on the other side though, landing on my feet, and laughing. These times are what make me stronger and I'm under no illusion that this will be the last trying time in my life.

I have the graphic below hanging on my fridge, it was sent to me by a blog friend ages ago and its an entirely appropriate reminder now.

I'm not happy now, by any means. In this moment,  I feel bitter and frustrated. I'm a big believer in acknowledging whatever feelings you're feeling, giving into them and riding them out before you can move on. I'm in the middle of that process right now, but its complicated when others have a preconceived notion of how you're supposed to be or act. I know that its hard for family and friends to hear how I truly feel, and that it leaves them feeling helpless but its just something that I have to get out in order to get on with things.

From here on out, I'm living my truth, not the truth that others think I'm supposed to be living. I'm feeling what I need to feel. I will be ok and find my happiness again, I truly believe that, but right now I need to cry and be mad.

Are there any truths you need to get out or live?