I Watched

I watched as she tried on what seemed like a dozen dresses. Watched them be pulled this way and that way. Helped zip and unzip. Tilted my head to the left, then to the right taking in the intricate beading, examining minuscule pearls, and helped smooth wrinkles. I listed to the excited chatter of our friends discussing the pros and cons. Their quiet whispers, their ooohhss and aaawws, their happy squeals, their gentle disagreements.

I watched as she carefully examined every single detail, from every possible angle. Standing flat footed, on her tip toes, and finally in towering heels while she held on to my arm for balance. Watched as she looked to us, her very best friends, for our reactions. Focusing on our eyes to make sure we were telling her our true opinions, not just what we thought she wanted to hear.

I watched with tears in my eyes as she held her younger sister's hand in a private moment amid the chaotic shop and heard as she whispered "I wish mom was here for this."

I watched as she knelt slightly, allowing a veil to be put in her hair then carefully draped over her shoulders. I watched our reflections in the mirrors, the four of us surrounding her two on either side. Watched her touch the veil, smoothed the dress one more time all while gazing at her own reflection. Watched as she took a few deep breaths, turning slightly from side to side, slowly nodding her head. Heard as she said in a soft voice, "this is it, this is the one."

Today I watched as my best friend chose her wedding dress.

Random Acts of Kindness

A few months ago I stumbled upon a blog that, regardless of my mood, always makes happy. The author of the blog, Secret Agent L, spreads kindness around Pittsburgh by leaving little notes and gifts in various places for some unsuspecting soul to find. In addition to herself, now there are others (Secret Agent Affiliates) leaving little bits of happiness around the city hoping to brighten someone's day.

When was the last time you went out of your way like this to spread a bit of kindness? I like to think that I'm a kind person to everyone but the truth is, more often than not, I'm kind to those I don't know when its convenient for me.When I'm in a bad mood  or having a bad day I have a tendency to become incredibly selfish with my time, money, and just generally whine "but I don't wanna." Its easier to be indifferent or merely go about my business without giving a second thought as to what another person might be dealing with in their life. When I'm feeling like this, this is exactly when I need to remember to extend a kindness.

At random times in the past few weeks, things that don't normally bother me have annoyed me. My patience has been short, my temper on the verge of unleashing bottled up fury. Then I received a much needed thoughtful (but still butt kicking) email from a friend that changed my attitude. I was reminded of the Leo Buscaglia quote:

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

  

I'm making a more conscious effort to be kind to others, especially those I don't know. It only takes a few moments to stop what I'm doing in my own life to seize the opportunity to make someone else's life a little better. Doing random acts of kindness may not only brighten another's day but mine as well. One of the reasons I'm drawn to Secret Agent L's blog is because she's putting kindness out into the universe not knowing who is going to find it. I like knowing that whomever finds that kindness may then in turn pass that kindness on to someone else starting a chain of kindness that has the potential to reach who knows how many people. I need to do more of that. I want to do more of that. 

I'm going to do more of that, after all it only takes a few mintues.

Have you ever been on the recieving end of a random act of kindness that inspired you to pass that kindess on to someone else? What is your favorite random act of kindess?

This Weekend Was For...

This weekend the weather managed for climb above freezing, the sun shined brightly overhead, and some of the snow that has blanketed my area (34 inches just in February!) finally started to thaw. It was a weekend for getting out of the house I've been basically hibernating in for the past three weeks (because when winter weather sets in, I go to work and thats about it). This weekend was for leaving the dishes piled up in the sink, ignoring the dust that was settling on the tv in my room, and leaving the computer sitting on the couch turned off. It was not cleaning the bathroom or  washing the pile of laundry currently sitting in front of the washing machine, even though I probably should have.

Instead this weekend was for...

A marathon conversation with one of my nearest and dearest. Sometimes the two hours that separate us seem more spacious than they truly are. Prior to Friday evening, we had been playing phone tag for weeks. While I hate how life gets the better of us sometimes, spending two and a half hours catching up on each others lives lessens the physical distance between us. We chatted about wedding plans she has finalized, some upcoming visits that will be materializing in the next few months, and all the sorts of things best friends chat about.

Spending the majority of Saturday with my 13 year cousin. Shopping the 60-70% off racks at our favorite stores, trying on various sunglasses and scarves that made us look like Jackie-O, giggling over fun conversations. We sat with our feet propped up on the seats in front of us, sharing her ipod ear phones watching the the Haiti version of "We Are The World" and listening to the song she's learning to play on her guitar while sharing Twizzlers and Reese's Pieces we smuggled into the theater while waiting for the Valentine's Day movie to start. This weekend was for introducing her fried pickles and questioning how she had lived for 13 years without experience their gloriousness.

Running around with my brother running some errands, attempting to find him a new cellphone that wasn't completely complicated or confusing (he's more of a plain, flip phone sort of guy). Attempting to make a braided bread recipe that's been sitting in my files for some time. Chatting on the phone with a great friend about the weekend, life, the future, and figuring it all out.

This weekend was for realizing that little moments like many of the ones I experienced this weekend are what I live for, what makes me completely happy, and what reminds me what is important in this world. The moments where I realize that nothing beats being here in this moment now, regardless of stresses are swirling around in my head. This weekend was for being completely content and feeling more refreshed than I have in the past few weeks.

What did you do this weekend?

My Symphony

To live content with small means; 

to seek elegance rather than luxury, 

and refinement rather than fashion;

to be worthy, not respectable; and 

wealthy, not rich; to study hard, 

think quietly, talk gently, act frankly...to

listen to stars and buds, to babes, and 

sages, with open heart; await occasions, 

hurry never...this is my symphony.

~William Henry Channing, as seen in Oprah magazine

Do You Remember

Saturday evening found me face to face with my former best friend. I hadn't seen her since April at her grandfathers funeral and with the exception of a brief message through Facebook, I  haven't spoken to her. I've made peace with the fact that our parting of ways has just been something that happened, not either one of our faults. I still miss her but accept the fact that our lives have taken us on journeys separate from each other for whatever reason. I'm happy knowing that shes happy, and thats enough for now. Despite that, I was still a bit apprehensive about seeing her.

We sat surrounded by family and friends at her grandma's kitchen table, where we've sat numerous times before. They are the seats we sat in while coloring as kids, helping her grandma make cookies, designing scrapbook pages, planning summer vacations, and drinking wine until the early morning hours. Once we carved our initals into the underside of the table on a dare from her older brothers, as I sat there listening to various conversations around me I could trace the letters with my finger.

We talked around each other without actually talking to one another. It was a hard knowing that our conversations once flowed so freely, and now other than exchanging simple plesantries we didn't have much to say to each other.

At one point we were listening to her 90 year old grandma tell us a story, one we had heard countless times. As children, that particular story once led my former friend and I to do some pretty daring things one summer that had they known, our parents surely would have killed us. As grandma wound down her story, I found myself thinking of that summer and the events that took place. A smile creeped acrossed my  lips. I glanced at my friend and saw her expression, the laughter in her eyes. "Do you remember...." she asked looking at me, her voice trailing off before finishing the thought. I nodded with tears in my eyes, "Yes!" We giggled sharing a private joke.

We were instantly transported to a time before our falling out. A time before life became complicated and we went our different ways. As quickly as it came, the moment slipped away. I still don't know where this leaves our friendship but I know that the two of us still have those memories that we remember from time to time. Perhaps some day the words will flow freely between us again. We parted ways making tentative plans for lunch in the Spring when I visit her city. I don't know if they will ever actually materialize but I have hope. And if nothing else, memories.

Chasing And Riding Stars

Shortly after the new year, I found myself in church. While its not a place I usually seek out, it was important for me to be there. I sat in the pew, watching as my dear friend and mentor addressed her congregation for the last time. In her sermon, she spoke about chasing stars, how she had found a passing star that she felt she needed to chase down and ride for a while. This star was going to take her away from her church but she owed it to herself to follow where it led. I sat there watching my friend who I knew had been struggling with not only this decision but others in her life as well. Even though we have a generation separating us, our lives seem to have a very similar parallel these days. I listened with tears brimming in my eyes as she so eloquently summed up her feelings.

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Occasionally I feel as if I am standing on a high hill, all these stars swirling around me; watching as others take a leap, tie themselves to a star, and soar off into the night sky to see where it might take them. A few weeks ago a passing star shot past me, without a moment of hesitation I instinctively reached up and latched on. At first, it was euphoric. My heart accelerated as I wildly realized all the possibilities that could be, where this particular star might take me, and how it could change so much. The ride was exhilarating. Grasping on to that star took me quickly hurtling though the sky, an emotional journey if there ever was one. I was terrified more than once but knew that I needed to keep holding on. After a few days though, I began to feel that it wasn't my star but I couldn't quite let go. This morning without any sort of fanfare, as quickly as I had reached out, the star deposited me safely back where I started, forging ahead to find its rightful owner.

I thought I would feel differently than I do, realizing that the star I had been riding wasn't my own. I thought I would feel disappointed, weary but I'm not. Riding that star for a little while changed my perspective. It lifted me upward so I could see above my own situation, above the fog I before couldn't see through, giving me a clearer vision. While riding that star I saw other stars; ones better suited for me, going in the direction I wanted to go. Now I better realize what my star is going to look like. Riding the wrong star left me feeling more energized than I have been in weeks, knowing that some where in the big wide sky is the exact star that's meant just for me.

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I'm more ready than ever, patiently keeping my eyes cast upward, waiting for the precise moment my star flies by so I can reach out and grasp it with both hands. Once I'm hitched to the right star, I know without a doubt that ride will be spectacular.

Filling In

I'm over here today talking about my friendship with one of my most favorite people.

Peace, Clarity, Calmness

I'm generally not a big fan of snow. Surprisingly, I was excited at the prospect of a Nor'easter that was on target to hit my small town this weekend. I was yearning to be snowed in, to have the excuse to not go anywhere, a reason to tap into my inner hermit and just hibernate. Several inches of snow fell over night quietly covering my little world while I slept. There is something magical about a thick blanket of freshly fallen snow, the way it creates a stillness and softness.

Instead of going out to curse the snow for prohibiting me to get to one place or another, I was able to fully appreciate the simple beauty of Mother Nature's efforts. I took in the sight of evergreen branches sagging under the weight of the heavy, wet snow. I noticed the way the snow decorated the barren arms of the tree and lazily drifted against the brick wall across the street. I stood in the middle of the freshly covered street just breathing in the cold, crisp scent of winter.

 

There is a great feeling of solitude while taking it all in with only my dog for company. While I didn't go far, being out communing with the elements brought me a sense of peace and clarity, as it usually does. Being outside this morning helped put my senses back in order. My thought process slows down, my mind clears, and I slowly feel my weary spirit become fully restored. I stood in the middle of the street for several minutes, hugging myself against the cold. I simply closed my eyes, aware of nothing but the sound my own breathing, almost immediately feeling a penetrating calmness settle over my soul.

"Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in where nature may heal and cheer and give strength  to the body and soul." ~John Muir

Sometimes I...

Sometimes I am shocked by my own mood swings. A few times this week I've gone from high highs to crashing lows.

Sometimes I get comepletely ahead of myself, regardless of telling myself over and over I'm going to take things one step at a time.

Sometimes I buy fun kitchen gadgets like this, as a way to get myself to eat more apples; then throw it across the kitchen when I cut my hand on it.

Sometimes I need to freak out (complete with the ugly cry) to reach a new level of understanding.

Sometimes I become indescribably proud when my little cousin sends me text messages telling me about her new found love of reading and the books she's been devouring.
 
Sometimes I have to have heart to hearts with my best friends because they "get me" in ways that other people don't.

Sometimes I am required to face some hard truths about myself, even if I don't want to, its only then that I discover what really makes me me.

Sometimes I want to cut my hair off into a real style but I know myself well enough to know that I would get tired of it after a week. I have commitment issues.

Sometimes I have to step away from everything in order to find my balance.

Sometimes I make my head hurt from thinking so hard; then I take a nap.

Sometimes I clearly define what it is I want for my life and become really excited about making it happen.

Sometimes I become so obsessed with Criminal Minds that I watch it three nights in a row on a channel that shows 4 episodes a night.

Sometimes I stay up until 2AM watching this show and then sleep with the light on because it scares the crap out me.

Sometimes I am so thankful for my friends who listen to my crazy rants, jumbled ramblings, and incoherent thoughts that I don't know how I'll ever repay them.

Sometimes I actually get excited about the prospect of being snowed in for the entire weekend.

Your turn, fill in the blank. Sometimes I _________________________________.

Fog

My small town along the river, nestled into a little valley, is no stranger to fog. Sometimes in the early morning hours while I'm driving to work the river appears to be on fire, the fog rolling off the riverbank like smoke. Other times, a thick heavy fog settles in, the kind that that greatly reduces visibility in all directions.

For the past few weeks, I've felt like I was trapped in a thick fog, that at times I wasn't able to see my own arm stretched out in front of me. A combination of events left me feeling emotionally and physically drained, so I decided to step away for a bit. I needed to rest my soul and spirit, to allow my emotional well (which had been sucked dry) to fill up again. I needed to find my way though the undesirable fog that had so quietly and unknowingly seeped into my life.

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Thankfully after a week away, the fog is lifting and I'm feeling much more like my usual self. I no longer feel as if I'm moving ahead blindly, but have instead greatly improved my visability.  I've regained my balance and found my center. I am ready to move ahead into February refreshed, refocused, and reenergized.

Thank you to my wonderful friends Amber, Chickbug, Lisa, and Kay who all filled in for me. I truly appreciated your posts and your willingness to step in on such short notice.