Mismatched

A little over a year ago my mom was in the midst of overhauling the living room. While up to her elbows in paint and carpet samples, she tried to decide what to do with all the random photographs that were laying around. After the new furniture was delivered and things were back in some semblance of order she settled on doing a picture wall above one of the couches.

Then the dilemma became to use matching frames or various frames we had around the house. While I'm not a fan of everything matching I lobbied for all new matching frames. As usual, Big T chose the opposite and decided to just use different frames -- some wood, some metal, some hanging vertically, others hanging horizontally. Once my mom makes up her mind there's no changing it so I didn't even try. I thought it would look a little disorganized and chaotic. Completely mismatched.

However, now as I sit on the opposite couch looking at the pictures., I realize I was wrong. There are candid snapshots of my brother and I, my stepbrother's little girls. and one of my parents at a friends wedding. There are professional shots of my stepbrother and stepsister, one of my mom and her three sisters, and one from my grandparents 50h wedding anniversary with aunts, uncles and cousins. The picture at the very center of the wall is one of my parents surrounded by all of us kids the day they were married. Gazing at these pictures now, I know my mom got it exactly right.

I know I don't talk about them much here on the blog but I have two stepbrothers and a stepsister. While I've never spent more than a long weekend or a few weeks at most with them, they are part of my family. Through social networking and facebook I'm learning more about them and staying in touch with them. I enjoy dinners and beer tastings with my stepsister when she is in town. My stepbrothers daughters are really, really cute kids.While our lives are connected, they all live in other parts of the country. We're all extremely different people. Quite honestly, just about the only thing we have in common is my mom married their dad but over the years we've learned to find similarities.

Looking at the pictures on the wall in their mismatched frames seems so perfect. We're a mismatched family. Different values, different beliefs, different backgrounds. Like the picture frames themselves, no two of us are alike but at the same time we all sort of go together.

Best Laid Plans

This weekend was supposed to include a trip to a local pumpkin festival then be capped off with a wine tasting event on the riverfront. As the week drew to a close and it became painfully obvious that the weather was not going to be in our favor, friends started waffling and before I knew it our plans to gorge ourselves on pumpkin laced goodies and drinking fun new wines had fallen apart.

After dragging myself out of bed at an ungodly early hour Saturday morning to go get my tires rotated, I had an entire day to myself. The cold, rainy weather did little to help my motivation or really my lack of motivation to do much of anything. I decided to hole up at home with my favorite blanket and do some reading. After finishing a few of the books I've been reading I decided a mini-Gilmore Girls marathon was in order. For the next several hours I only emerged from the cocoon I had made for myself to make some apple cinnamon tea and give the dog a treat every now and then.

I was awoken this morning to the sound of a soft, but steady rain and swiftly decided that I would be spending the better portion of the day with Lorelai, Luke, and Rory. I may have over done it a bit because now, I am convinced that I need to find a Stars Hollow-esque town, move there immediately and open a charming little inn.

So while all the fun exciting plans for the weekend were forfeited because of the rain, what happened this weekend was exactly what I needed. One of those weekends I could wear sweats, long-sleeved t-shrits, and not worry about putting on makeup or fixing my hair. One where I could take a nap when I felt like it, eat cereal for dinner and basically ignore all things technology. This weekend I have been completely unproductive, I have laundry that needs to be done, and things that need to be picked up but I don't really mind. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing that I can do.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to Stars Hollow...

Six Words I Loathe The Most

A few years ago when I was playing the part of bridesmaid to a few different friends at some point in between all the dancing, the bouquet tossing, the drinking copious amounts on wine I experienced what many single woman my age do. Sometimes it was by one of my friends family members while helping the bride make sure her veil was adjusted properly or helping to bustle the back of the dress. One time it was an old women while I was in the bathroom holding up layers and layers of tulle netting while my friend used the facilities.Often times it comes the same way--the inevitable pat on the arm followed by a reassuring, "Someday it will be your turn."

It happened to me not too long ago by my own grandmother. Recently my younger cousin proposed to his live-in girlfriend and they set the date for this January. Within hours the telephone rang, upon answering (which was completely against my better judgment) I heard my grandmother's voice on the other end asking me if I had heard the news. When I responded that I had, she started in on how I should I have been first, I'm the oldest grandchild, "in her day" people settled down and started having families right away. I can't tell you what else she may have said because unfortunately I hung up on her the line somehow disconnected. I've heard it from her many times since, each time causing me to get closer and closer to going completely ape shit crazy on her. Over the weekend I heard it again from her, "Don't worry Mandy, someday it will be your turn." At this point I think shes trying to convince herself instead of me that someday someone will want to marry her old maid of a granddaughter.

Honestly though, enough is enough. As well meaning as they may be, I'm officially tired of hearing "someday it will be your turn." I loathe those six words. "This is 2009 not 1909," I just want to tell my grandmother, "Get with it Granny, women can do lots of things besides get married and start popping out kids at the ripe old age of 19 like you did. We can go to college, vote, even have a career that doesn't involve teaching!" Of course that would all be wasted breath because my grandmother will go to her grave thinking (in addition to the fact that I should have married at 24 by the latest) that I should have been a teacher. The phenomenon that is a smart, successful happily single woman is completely lost on her.

The thing is, I'm not sure I ever want it to be my turn. I do really well on my own and the thought of spending the rest of my days with one. single. person. sort of makes me want to break out in hives. I've seen various friends over the year walk down the aisle, pledge their life to their significant other and while I do think its a beautiful thing; I've never once thought "Wow, I wish that was me." As a little girl I dont recall planning my wedding out detail by detail. As a grown woman, I don't have the brain or patience to know the difference between navy and midnight blue, the different sorts of favors, or the best songs for the first dance. I don't do well with RSVP cards or knowing why in Gods name there has to be a piece of tissue paper in with the invitations. Celebrating a ten or even twenty year anniversary with someone is unfathomable for me. At this point in my life, I don't envision a spouse, children and a house with a picket fence in my future. I'm not saying that I won't ever meet an amazing man, be completely swept off my feet and find myself saying "I do," but right now, thats not what I want.

I am 100% ok if marriage isn't in the cards for me. I enjoy my solitude and am quite selfish of my "me" time. To date, my relationships haven't really been what most would define as traditional relationships. I have fallen in love with a great man, been in a long term, long distance relationship, and still have never felt like I need it to be my turn. I am happy for my friends who have chosen marriage. I am happy for my friends who are in committed long term relationships. I am happy for my friends who are courageously raising children as single parents. I am happy for the friends who like myself, choose to go it alone. All are very personal choices. I just wish some people, my grandma included, would realize that not everyone wants it to be "their turn" and that its completely, entirely acceptable.

Sometimes I...

Sometimes I think sleeping in for a few hours could potentially solve all the worlds problems. Ok maybe not, but it feels really good to look at the the clock and decide to sleep just a little while longer.

Sometimes I love spending time with my family just sitting around the table playing card games, drinking beer, and laughing. Its a great way to spent part of the weekend.

Sometimes I think a Friday night needs to consist of wine, gossip magazines, and a best friend.

Sometimes I write letters just for fun. I like sending notes to far away friends just letting them know I'm thinking about them and hope that they are enjoying their week.

Sometimes I go overboard buying fun things like nail polish, but really, this fall's OPI colors are too good to pass up.

Sometimes I get nervous talking to other bloggers on the phone for the first time, I'm not sure why, its just awkward but then its like talking to a friend.

Sometimes I look at my up coming schedule and think "Wow, when did it get to be so late in the year?" Plans are already extending into November.

Sometimes I get discouraged but then I get an email or a phone call that reminds me that I have to keep going until I find what I deserve.

Sometimes I feel really out of the loop when everyone talks about their favorite fall shows. I don't watch much tv and maintain that the Gilmore Girls is one of the best shows ever.

Sometimes I get ridiculously excited for up coming weekend plans even though it means I won't be having much down time; meeting up with other bloggers, fun parties with friends, and bonfires are much more important.

Sometimes I get giddy at the thought of Friday night football games by the river while drinking hot chocolate.

Sometimes I think drinking a glass of wine while eating crackers and cheese and catching up on blogs is the perfect way to spend a quiet Sunday evening.

Your turn, fill in the blank. Sometimes I ....

Book Love

I've been thinking a lot about books --the ones I've read, all the ones I want to read, some of the ones I'm thinking about reading and so on. Books and reading have always been a huge part of my life. Even now, nine times out of ten I would rather open a book than watch TV. I've been utilizing my library card my mom's library card (because the library thinks I'm dead) quite a bit lately and just joined Good Reads (Are you on the site too? Lets be friends!) to help keep tabs on some of my favorite books.

In the spirit of reading and all things books a book meme seems appropriate for the last post of the week, don't you think?

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The book that’s been on your shelves the longest.
I have many well loved books on my shelves, but the ones that have probably been there the longest are some Nancy Drew hardbacks. I haven't read them in a really long time but can't bring myself to part with them. They are vintage hardbacks from the 70's that belonged to my mother. The pages are dog-eared, the binding broken, and some of the pages are loose but the sentimental value far outweighs all of those.

A book that reminds you of something specific in your life (a person, a place, a time).
I own a copy of Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass that was given to me by my 8th grade Language Arts teacher. This year was a big one for me-- it was the year that I really, truly discovered the power of writing and my parents divorced, among other things. My teacher was someone who encouraged me to keep writing a journal, loaned me books faster than I could read them, and was just a very influential person in my life. Leaves of Grass always reminds me of that school year and reminds me to "seize the day." (This was also the year I was introduced to The Dead Poets Society, one of my all time favorite movies.)

A book you treasure the most.
A few months before she passed away Sister Mary, one my college/life mentors, gave me a first edition copy of Gone With the Wind that had belonged to her mother. I literally cried when said she wanted me to have it because it was one of the few possessions she had taken with her from her girlhood home in Tennessee when she left to become a nun. Knowing that I adore all things Gone With the Wind and knowing that her health was failing she passed the book on to me in the box she had kept it in for several years which also included a ticket stub to a screening of the movie in Atlanta the year it came out. I keep the book in the same box in a place of honor on my shelf. Its something that I will always treasure.

The most recent addition to your shelves.
I came home today, collected the mail and had a large package from a friend that contained True Compass by Ted Kennedy. I nearly squealed with delight because I added this to my must read list a few weeks ago. Ted Kennedy was a great American from an amazing family. I have read other books about the Kennedy's but this was one I have been waiting for. I cannot wait to get it started.

Your current read, your last read and the book you’ll read next.
I am currently reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and The Diary of a Wimpy Kid series (yes, I am not above still reading children's books). The last book I read was Shanghai Girls which I thought was just ok. The next books I want to read are True Compass and The Lost Symbol. This weekend is going to involve a trip to a few various book stores, I'm contemplating buying Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters (Have you read these, what do you think?).

So how about you? Read anything good lately? Any books I should pick up on my trip to the book store that I just have to read? Happy weekend, all!

Strings and Sealing Wax, and other Fancy Stuff

Behind my grandparents home in the country, there used to be a rusty old swing set that was many years older than I. My grandparents had acquired it when my mom and her younger sister were little girls. It had two metal swings side by side and bars on each end forming perfect A's. By the time it was my turn to play on it, the swing set had been painted many times over, each coat chipping off and rust nearly always showing through. In the spring, birds always made nests on either side of the top. My grandfather always knew what they were -- sparrows, bobwhites, or some other little winged variety.

Regardless of the weather I always wanted to play on that swing set. In 100 degree heat, in the cool fall air, and in the winter when it was too cold to sit on the metal seat of the swing. It was on that swing set my grandfather taught me how to "skin the cat" a maneuver that he would happily show my brother and I making us giggle uncontrollably. I have many fond memories of just being pushed by my grandfather, my mom, or one of my aunts even when I old enough to know how to pump my legs back and forth to fly through the air myself.

My youngest aunt was always happy to oblige me in being pushed on the swing. She would hold the swing steady while I situated myself, then holding the rusted chains would gently start the swing slowly back and forth. Then she would let go and lightly push me from behind, sending me higher and higher while I gripped the chains closing my eyes just feeling the calming motion and the wind against my body. While she pushed me, my aunt always sang or lightly hummed "Puff the Magic Dragon" by the 60's folk group Peter, Paul, and Mary. In time, I insisted that whomever pushed me also had to sing that song, over and over and over.

Puff the Magic Dragon, is a song about a dragon who lives in a land by the sea and frolic's in the autumn mist. He has a beloved little friend with whom Puff has many great adventures before the boy grows up and loses interest.



I don't know what it is about the song, but I've always loved it. The magical simplicity of the melody, the story that unfolds through the course of the song, or the idea that somewhere in the autumn mist there was a magic dragon who existed even if only in my imagination. Sometimes, for no reason at all, that song will just jump into my head playing round and round. Occasionally I am stressed or tensed, I'll find myself humming the melody like my aunt used to do. Its one of those tunes that almost immediately brings me comfort, taking me back to my childhood. I always envision huge, friendly dragon with a little boy on his back settled between his wings skimming the surface of the water near some cliff side, in an early morning autumn mist and that imagery makes me smile. Just humming a few bars or the chorus allows me to remember simpler times of my youth making me wish I was still small enough to be pushed on the swing set and sang to. I suppose it reminds me of the imaginary creatures and friends I used to have and, like the little boy in the song, eventually outgrew.

**This was a post that I had in my drafts, but never finished. Upon hearing the news of Mary Travers' (from Peter, Paul, and Mary) passing I felt compelled to post it. The world has lost some very talented people this year. People I grew up watching on television or in movies, or listening to their music. I can't help but feel with each passing, a little part of my childhood goes too. **

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Little jackie paper loved that rascal puff,
And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. oh

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee.

Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail
Jackie kept a lookout perched on puffs gigantic tail,
Noble kings and princes would bow when near they came,
Pirate ships would lower their flag when puff roared out his name. oh!

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee.

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, jackie paper came no more
And puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave,
So puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. oh!

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called honah lee.

The Life of Me

I've been searching for the right words to perfectly sum up the Summer of Me, draft after draft sits waiting for me to finish but none of them do it the justice. I suppose, as with most stories, we should start at the beginning. In late Spring, a close family friend was diagnosed with an incurable but treatable cancer. While the doctor didn't give a time frame, a general Google search points in the direction of a 3-5 year time frame. I cannot tell you how much I struggled to wrap my mind around this. Times like that make you think about your own mortality along with that of your friend. I found myself thinking what if. What if this the last big trip? What if we run out of time to do this before he gets sick. After a few weeks of seeing this friend handle what for many would be devastating news with incredible dignity and grace (often times much better than those around him), I realized that this friend was not allowing this news to define him. He went about life in the same manner as he always had, he was LIVING.

Call it a light bulb going off, an ah ha moment, the clouds parting whatever you want, but it was a great reminder that none of us know how long we have. As much as we like to pretend we're going to live forever, the truth is we aren't. Thats hard to think about or even envision as a twenty something. We always think that there will be plenty of time tomorrow or later to do something without realizing that time is slipping by more quickly than we can fathom. We often put off just living, thinking that there's always going to be more time. That its ok if things aren't exactly as we want them now, someday down the road they will be. We put off happiness because we think there will be plenty to be happy about later.

The Summer of Me was a realization that there were a lot of things I wanted to do, people I wanted to see, and happiness that I needed to recapture to be truly content with how I was living each day. Its very easy for me to fall into the habit of doing what people think I should be doing instead of what I really want to do. I needed to break that cycle of apathy and what better time to do it than summer, with its long days and plenty of sunlight. I had no idea that this summer would change me in ways so profound that I can't fully describe the impact its had on me.

I reached out to friends that I haven't seen, some of in over 5 years despite living a mere hour away from each other. I made the time to have lunch with them; rearranged my schedule to spend the weekend with them, and picked up the phone to have an actual conversation instead of a Facebook message conversation. I said yes to people I haven't said yes to in a while and told some people no when I needed to. I took time for me without apologizing, realizing that if you give and give of yourself eventually there's nothing left to give. I learned to make myself a priority without feeling guilty. I learned to do what made me happy in that very single moment and to just run with that feeling without trying to rationalize or justify it. I felt more and worried less about what other people might think. I laughed, a lot. I strengthened old friendships, let go of some toxic ones, and worked on establishing better relationships with those really important to me. I made some cherished memories. I learned to make it a point to tell people how much they mean to me instead of just assuming that they know. I did so much more and loved every single second of it.

I said in a previous post that I had every intention of declaring an Autumn of Me before realizing that this experience can't be confined to just one block time or season. Nilsa pointed out that it can't even be confined to me or just one person, that the Summer of Me encouraged others to have their season or moment as well. Personally, so many things changed for me this summer-- my attitude, my perspective, my need to make my happiness a priority, my need to define my life as I, not someone else, see fit. It was a way to get back to what truly matters to me and remember that life really is about the simple, little pleasures I often overlook. It was about realizing that all I have is this single moment I am in right now and making the absolute most of it. It was about LIVING.

The Summer of Me was just the start of something so much bigger. The Summer of Me was the catalyst for the Life of Me. I cannot wait to see where this leads...

Weekend Thoughts

Over the weekend I officially said goodbye to summer. Much of the weekend was centered around family and close friends as we spent the time celebrating my aunt's recent graduation from her nursing program with a big picnic/party. Over the steady stream of chatter punctuated by a hearty laugh here or there and the kids yelling in the background throwing water balloons at each other, summer drew to a close. Saturday and Sunday were beautifully clear days with a breeze in the air that reminded me that this was it, one season was ending and another was well on its way. As I predicted a week ago, I'm ready and welcome the change.

I watched a college football game, played cornhole, drank Apple Pie from a red plastic cup, and discussed a cousins upcoming winter nuptials. I went in after sunset to find a sweater because the air had a slight chill to it. I awoke on Monday to a gray, rainy day; a little taste of the days ahead. My little cousin and I discussed what baked goods we would be entering in a county fair that will be held in about a month and how we hoped it would be cool on that Saturday morning for the parade and because thats the best time to enjoy some kettle corn. This morning I had my first pumpkin spice latte of the season. Earlier this evening I dug out the autumn themed decor and pumpkin & apple scented candles. Soon friends and I will be planning which haunted houses we're going to attend and travel to various fall festivals. I also have to admit, the thought of curling up with a good book on a rainy evening is incredibly appealing. There will be bonfires,drinking hot chocolate on cold nights at a Friday night football game, and drinking a Sam Adams Oktoberfest brew wearing a hooded sweatshirt tailgating. I really am excited for fall and all the new possibilities that come with a new season.

All Over The Place

Its Friday, the Friday before a three day weekend which pretty much means my mind is all over the place there by rendering me useless when it comes to writing a coherent post (which I assure you will be all over the place as well). So that said, lets do some bullet points today shall we?

* Last night I proudly watched my aunt graduate from college and win a special award for being an outstanding student. The ceremony was really nice allowing for special family members to pin the newly graduated nursing students. I cried may have gotten something in my eye during the processional when they played pomp and circumstance and when her name was called. I know that for my aunt getting this degree was a lot of hard work, she went to school full time while working full time and made a lot of sacrifices. My whole family is having a surprise graduation party for her on Sunday and I’m really excited about it.

* Today my friend Jen is getting MARRIED!! Jen and I became friends by way of our blogs. I can’t remember when we first “met” but it feels like we’ve been friends our whole lives. She and her fiancé (along with a small group of family) will be getting on a boat at twilight, exchanging vows near sunset, and celebrating the start of a beautiful marriage together as a family. The past few months I have completely abused the use of capital letters and exclamation points while exchanging text messages and emails with Jen counting down the weeks, days, and then hours to this day, but she hasn’t seemed to mind. Jen, I wish you nothing but infinite amounts of happiness and love. Congratulations my friend!

* In other less exciting news, I gave myself a mani/pedi with what my new favorite OPI nail polish color, Can You Tapas This?, it’s the perfect transitional color from summer to autumn, darker without being too dark. Am I the only one with an obsession of wearing darker nail colors in the fall as opposed to bright fun colors in the summer? What’s your favorite nail color for fall?

* I’m not really a morning person and some tasks just prove to be too difficult before the hour of, let’s say 10 or 11-ish. Typical things like having an actual conversation with someone, using my blinker on the way to work (even though apparently I still believe other people should), and eating my yogurt. You might not think eating yogurt is hard, but I challenge each and every one of you to try to eat it with a fork. Its harder than you think. This morning I failed miserably. And by failed miserably, I mean I completely missed my mouth and dropped a fork full of blueberry yogurt on to my shirt. Go ahead laugh, but then tomorrow you try it. I dare you.

That’s all I have for today. Have a happy safe three day weekend all! Mine will include catching up on sleep, lots of family time, lots of drinking (because spending time with my family requires alcohol), playing cornhole, having fun and officially saying good-bye to summer. Have a great one!

The Changing of the Seasons

Living in the Midwest has always provided me the opportunity to experience all four seasons. Summer is without a doubt my most favorite, followed closely behind by autumn. Last week I wasn’t quite ready to let summer go, but as I sit outside in the cool, crisp air watching my breath hang in the air I can feel myself loosening my grip on summer. I truly think that after this weekend I’ll be able to fully immerse myself into this next season both literally and figuratively.

I can feel fall as the air around me has been slowly changing, the days become a little shorter every day, and here or there leaves are starting to lose their green. The very essence of fall is slowly seeping into my soul, permeating my very being. In my grandfather’s day, autumn was a time for reaping and harvesting, preparing ahead for the long winter. I’ve decided to take the next few months to do my own internal reaping and harvesting; to take the experiences and lessons from this summer and find a way to make them last, make the changes necessary to sustain the almost child-like happiness I found this summer. Even with the discontent that I’ve felt this summer, there is no denying its been a magical one with the happiness far outweighing all else.

I had every intention of declaring an “Autumn of Me” but then I realized that what happened during the “Summer of Me” was bigger than any one season, that it cannot be confined to just a certain block of time, a few months out of the year. The “Summer of Me” was life changing, as silly or trivial as that may sound. I haven’t yet been able to find the words befitting the enormity of it all, but its slowly coming. As autumn settles in, I’m almost ready to settle in again too. These next few days I’ll be officially saying goodbye to summer and welcoming a new season with eager anticipation, acknowledging that as the season changes I am as well.

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