Over the weekend I was shopping in Pittsburgh with a friend. As we were strolling through the mall, Starbucks in hand, I told her about a piece of jewelry I’ve been hoping to find. We casually wandered in and out of a few stores, finding things that could have been what I was looking for but something about each of them just wasn’t quite right for various reasons. They would have been a perfectly acceptable substitute but they weren’t what I had my heart set on. “Don’t worry,” my friend assured me “you might not know exactly what it is you want, but when you find it, you’ll just know.”
She always has this way of telling me what I need to hear and in this instance her words can be applied to my life in more than one way; one more complex than just finding the right piece of jewelry.
I feel like I’m searching for something, that I’m blindly following my heart toward some unknown that I can’t even properly describe. Sometimes it feels like I’m standing in complete and total darkness in front of a door fumbling around for the right key, one among many, that fits just so into a lock that will cause the door to swing open toward some new place I’ve never been or seen before. Right now, as frustrating as it may be, it seems all I can do is peer through the keyhole.
While I do have an idea of what I think I’m searching for, I’m not exactly sure. I just know that there’s a longing deep inside of me that needs something new, something different. It’s a yearning that can’t be satisfied, that won’t be quelled until I find it.
Searching like this has taken me on a daunting journey through many peaks and valleys, through many emotions, and shaken me to my very core. It has stripped away things I thought I knew, things I could be certain in and replaced them with doubts causing me to question. Question myself. Question my convictions. Question what it is I truly want. And now after what feels like months, I’m still not sure I have the answers or am any closer to truly being able to answer them.
I do know that what I am seeking has to be something I am able to give my whole heart too--something that makes me feel connected, that makes my heart burst with happiness, and ultimately brings me peace.
In the meantime I have to keep believing and follow my heart. I won't accept a substitute. I know I have to continue having hope and faith that when I do finally stumble upon whatever it is I’m looking for, finally find that key that opens the door, that it will just feel right. That somehow, as my friend suggested, I’ll just know.