Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Somehow I'll Just Know

Over the weekend I was shopping in Pittsburgh with a friend. As we were strolling through the mall, Starbucks in hand, I told her about a piece of jewelry I’ve been hoping to find. We casually wandered in and out of a few stores, finding things that could have been what I was looking for but something about each of them just wasn’t quite right for various reasons. They would have been a perfectly acceptable substitute but they weren’t what I had my heart set on. “Don’t worry,” my friend assured me “you might not know exactly what it is you want, but when you find it, you’ll just know.”

She always has this way of telling me what I need to hear and in this instance her words can be applied to my life in more than one way; one more complex than just finding the right piece of jewelry.

I feel like I’m searching for something, that I’m blindly following my heart toward some unknown that I can’t even properly describe. Sometimes it feels like I’m standing in complete and total darkness in front of a door fumbling around for the right key, one among many, that fits just so into a lock that will cause the door to swing open toward some new place I’ve never been or seen before. Right now, as frustrating as it may be, it seems all I can do is peer through the keyhole.


While I do have an idea of what I think I’m searching for, I’m not exactly sure. I just know that there’s a longing deep inside of me that needs something new, something different. It’s a yearning that can’t be satisfied, that won’t be quelled until I find it.

Searching like this has taken me on a daunting journey through many peaks and valleys, through many emotions, and shaken me to my very core. It has stripped away things I thought I knew, things I could be certain in and replaced them with doubts causing me to question. Question myself. Question my convictions. Question what it is I truly want. And now after what feels like months, I’m still not sure I have the answers or am any closer to truly being able to answer them.

I do know that what I am seeking has to be something I am able to give my whole heart too--something that makes me feel connected, that makes my heart burst with happiness, and ultimately brings me peace.

In the meantime I have to keep believing and follow my heart. I won't accept a substitute. I know I have to continue having hope and faith that when I do finally stumble upon whatever it is I’m looking for, finally find that key that opens the door, that it will just feel right. That somehow, as my friend suggested, I’ll just know.

20 comments:

Little Fish said...

This is a great post.

I agree with your friend, you are a smart, strong person and when the time is right you will just know!

Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

Great post. You are such a talented writer!

I have that same yearning. It feels like I am fumbling around in the dark some times.

Here's hoping we both muddle through all this and eventually get to the point where we 'just know'.

Kyla Roma said...

Is it Halloween candy? Because that and a card is in the mail to you! =)

I hope you find it- and you have such a beautiful (and private) way of writing. If you need anything you know where I am.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

you will just know.

and i hope the same for myself too.

<3

Pam said...

You always have the most thought provoking posts. I hope you realize what a talented writer you are.

Don't settle for anything - life's too short.

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

I absolutely loved this, it gave me shivers. Your writing is so beautiful!

I get that feeling a lot too lately. I *think* what I need and what I'm looking for is home. I think I will always have this feeling of something being missing until I move closer to my family, but that won't be happening for a few years so I guess I need to figure out a different way to fulfill it for now..

Kay* said...

it's like your wrote exactly how i'm feeling too - word for word...

you can definitely write. is that something you feel passion for?

Katie said...

This is wonderful. You are always able to capture things I need to hear. And you do it so well and so beautifully.

Thank you for being a tie to hope.

jnyfritz said...

of course you will just know, and in the meantime enjoy the people who are fumbling in the dark with you...Cheers!!

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I think what you're saying here is you have to trust your instinct, your gut, your body to tell you when it's right. And knowing what I know of you, I know you'll know when it's time.

nory said...

Beautiful post. Love the imagery, the wording, the honesty.

I think a lot of us are often in the same place as you, though perhaps too scared to admit it =)

This reminds me of the U2 lyrics... "still haven't found what I'm looking for." But I know you will find it and it will be great!

Proud of you!

Elle Bee... said...

Oh darling, you're such a beautiful, beautiful writer.

I know you'll find what you're looking for, it just seems daunting along the way. xo

Frank said...

I loved this.

Maybe you could start my moving out of Ohio and to a REAL state instead :P

Cate said...

Well put. Just like finding "the one" person you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, you will definitely know. And it's always when you stop searching and just concentrate on being.

Ashley said...

I hope you find what you're looking for. While I'm looking for one thing, it seems like I find a lot of others that are pretty cool too!

Andy said...

Amazing post! :)

My mom and dad have always told me never to settle for something else that what I really want and deserve.

Up to now, I have said "no" to perfectly OK things, but in my conscience, I know they're not the perfect things for me, so I don't feel bad for saying no.

Auburn Kat said...

Wow, I've been a bad blogging buddy lately!

I also agree that when the time is right you will know, I also think that the samething applies to me.

Princess Pointful said...

"You'll just know" can be one of the most frustrating things to hear, especially when you are just looking for something concrete to hold onto. But, in my experience, it is just so damn true. Best wishes, and good for you for having the self-insight to know you need something more, and the courage to look for it.

Vanessa said...

You are a great writer and your friend is wise. I always ask the Universe to help me find what I am search for and when I find it make it so plainly obvious that I'll know that I know that I know. Good luck and if you ever want another reading, let me know.

amanda said...

i love your message in this! oh my gosh, i couldn't agree more. i truly believe that everything that is supposed to be happens when it's supposed to. no rushing or forcing it.

xoxoxo