Monday, August 10, 2009

Discontent

Its no shock to anyone that lately I’ve had a discontent in my heart for sometime, a restless longing for something different – a new place, a new adventure, a new enthusiasm for life.

While the “Summer of Me” has helped ease that feeling, it hasn’t completely removed the dissatisfaction that I feel in certain aspects of my life. A large part of my battle is internal. The feeling of what I know I need to do brings up a fear that I have never really conquered; a fear of the unknown, a fear of failure, a fear of inadequacy. I’ve never been fearless and I greatly admire those who are. I’ve never been one to embrace change, typically I resist it with all that I am kicking and screaming the whole way only at the end to stand up and say “That was it? Well that wasn’t so hard.” Afterwards I go about life in my usual manner acting like the change wasn’t such a big deal after all (and usually it isn’t).

This time of change that I am feeling has stretched me more than I thought possible and its only the beginning. I get goosebumps, butterflies, and a nervous nauseated feeling all at once just thinking of the possibilities, the unknown, the future as a whole. I am scared. My heart soars when I think of what could be. I’ve cried frustrated tears. I’ve been told that I’m crazy – that I should just learn to be content. That single statement infuriated me. I deserve better than that. I can’t settle any more. I’ve looked in the mirror telling myself I know what I need to do, that I am the only way who can change things in my life. I need to believe that with every fiber in my being. I need to start being my own biggest cheerleader. I need to wrestle my fear and end up on top holding my fist high claiming victory. I need to fight for the life I want, the one I know I deserve. I need to get back into the drivers seat, take complete control of the wheel instead of just being a passenger.

I need to do something about this discontent.

21 comments:

nory said...

for whatever it's worth, I'm happy to be a cheerleader for Team Mandy! I know how hard it is to battle discontent in every way, shape and form. Sometimes little plans towards the bigger goal help. Or knowing that you are an incredibly fabulous woman who will succeed no matter what might help you out too =) Good luck with Mandy vs. Disconent. My money's on you =)

RebeccaC said...

Been there. And I've always ended up making a list (mental or actually) of the top five or so things that I need to do to be happier. That list has contained everything from "get a new job" to "drink less" to "read more" to "move" to "call my mom more often" to "make more friends."

The beauty of the list is....by going out and accomplishing a few of the goals on the list, suddenly the totally impossible I-have-no-idea-how-to-do-this things seem much, much easier.

You're in my thoughts.

Little Fish said...

Can I be co-captain of the Mandy cheerleading squad with Nory?

Please don't ever let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you feel. A few years ago I found myself apologizing for wanting to find someone to spend my life with as if saying that I wanted more made me not appreciate the things I did have. A friend of mine who was very much like a big sister to me told me to stop apologizing. She said, "You can appreciate all of the things you have and still want more. That's normal and that's OK!"

Tara said...

Awesome blog. I agree 100% I'm in the same place in life that you are.. and I needed your blog today to know that I'm not alone.

jnyfritz said...

i am totally with nory with putting my money down on you...discontent does not know what will hit it! why? because you ROCK! and i have all the faith in the world that everything will work out!

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I wonder if you can break up what you need to do -that scary big thing- into a set of much smaller things. So, that by the end, the change doesn't seem so big since you did it incrementally. In any case, you'll do it when you're good and ready ... and it sounds like you're getting restless and almost *there* ... you can do it!

Frank said...

I've never liked the idea of being "content" with anything. Life is about reaching goals, striving forward to improve both our lives and the lives of those around us. Contentedness is like laying on an innertube in t he middle of a lake...nice, but you're not going anywhere.

I'd rather go whitewater rafting, myself.

looking4#3 said...

Seems to me like you have a whole team of cheerleaders here. Me included!!!
Like a PP poster said, there is nothing wrong with wanting more. More is good. Especially for someone like you, who definitely appreciates all that you have already!!!
Can't wait to read more!!

MeLaNiE said...

Do what makes you happy. Don't try to please anyone but yourself. You have what it takes to be/do whatever you need to!

One of my favorite quotes lately:

"Today YOU are YOU, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is YOUER than YOU!”

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i know how you feel. i feel it often. ive actually kind of given myself a deadline of of my 30th birthday to make a change if something doesn't change.

it's get better it's a funk and we all go through it, not that that makes it any easier.

Bayjb said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry. I hate hearing how sad and unhappy you are. I always make a list of things I want to do and changes to make. That way you hold yourself to it and remember there are things we need to achieve. Sending you positive thoughts and a big hug.

Katie said...

Telling someone to settle is such bad advice. I'm with Nory, and Little Fish, and everyone else my money is on you.

I also love Frank's idea of not being content with anything.

Move. Go! Mandy, you can do it! You are so fabulous, so smart, and so kind. You have everything you need.

I'm with you on the change thing, it's so hard for me to do it too. But even though it sometimes makes me cry, and makes me feel like I'm running into a brick wall repeatedly, it's always worth it. And once you start going, it's easier to keep going.

You can have everything you dream about. I know it.

Auburn Kat said...

I need to do something about my discontent too. I really need to get the ball rolling again!

Kyla Roma said...

Definitely, definitely know that you have many cheerleaders in this world- but you're absolutely right. You need to be that person for yourself. I think that sometimes these things start from a small seed, like your summer of me, that allows you to start investing in yourself in little ways. And that can lead to big, beautiful, amazing changes where you invest in yourself more and more- and where you learn to trust your instincts.

If you have this instinct that's leading you towards change I'm sure it's founded on something you deeply need, and I'm so excited to hear about how you pursue it and where it leads you.

Kyla Roma said...

ps- I fail all the time, ALL THE TIME, and it's always the best learning experience I could ask for. Failure is part of the process, so whatever you're bearing down on know there is no worst case scenario. If you fail going about it one way, you'll just be better informed to tackle it from a different direction once you've licked your wounds.

And trying things and failing at them always makes for awesome stories. =) When you know that failing isn't something to be afraid of, because there isn't any one thing you can do to doom things, life feels easier.

For me it does, at least. =)

LiLu said...

At least you realized it! That's half the work, honestly. Good luck, babe :-)

Ray said...

I am sending good thoughts your way Mandy! I know what it feels like to have to make hard life changes in order to feel better in the long run. I know you can do it! ::hugs::

lbluca77 said...

I am also with Frank about not being content with anything. That is not how anyone should live life. It's way too short and way to amazing to just be content.

Good luck to you. And anything you want out of life you can have. You deserve it.

amanda said...

maybe a play date with me??

xoxox

chickbug said...

being discontent leads to change. and change leads to new beginnings. and new beginnings lead to wonderful possibilities! You have so much ahead of you...

Andy said...

NOW I understand the whole notes of the universe status on Facebook.

All I have to say is... AMEN SISTER. I need to learn how to do this, mainly because... duh, I'm moving out in 3 weeks and I'm STILL not prepared. ICK.