Wednesday, April 15, 2009

One Foot On Each Side *

I'm sort of in a weird place this week both mentally and emotionally. Its hard to describe, but it feels like I am standing over a line with one foot on each side.

To one side of the line is comfort and familiarity. On the other side of the line is a lot of unknown. I'm currently straddling the line and have one foot on each side. I've applied to grad school and now I just want to go but I have to wait, to be accepted and figure out finances. On the side of comfort and familiarity, I have lots of friends but those friends are settling down, starting families, buying houses. They don't understand that while I am happy for them, I don't want the same. I want to go, explore and see what happens. I know they mean well, but they don't fully understand.

I'm reminded of the Rascal Flatts song "I'm Moving On." While I don't think the whole song applies to me, these lines really speak to me at the moment:

I've lived in this place
And I know all the faces
Each one is different
But they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up
Where I don't belong
I'm movin' on.

I know I can't walk forever with a foot on each side and now its just a matter of when I put both feet on one side of the line. The one where I face the unknown. For now though, I'm just waiting. and it feels weird. I'm ready for something new. I'm ready for the next chapter. I'm ready to move on.

*Clarification -- I am still planning on going forward with plans for gradschool and the future. My family and friends are supportive, even if they don't understand. Its just that for the moment, I'm caught with a foot on each side.


Cameo said...

Oh Mandy, Mandy, Mandy. Don't let ANYONE tell you that their path should be YOUR path. If I hadn't waited so long to become a mom I wouldn't have had MY baby. Timing is everything but I also believe that the timing does work out.

Preachin Patrick said...

When the time is right, you will be ready and it will be great! I am really happy for you.

Auburn Kat said...

Gosh, I know exactly what you are going through right now! On one side I have a really good job and live close to my family now. On the other side, I hate living here and want to go live somewhere else. It's extremely difficult, especially when you have a family member telling you that now is not the time to take puts those thoughts of "can I do this?" in my head. I haven't tackled my to-do list about moving at all lately and I don't know what my issue is...maybe I'm just scared of being unhappy. Although what I'm doing now is not working.

Stacy said...

do it. worst case scenario, you'd have to go "home." best case scenario, you'd find a new "home." :)

Ohmygoshi said...

I can relate 100%. It's scary and exciting and nerve-wracking, all in one. It's easy to say "oh, don't worry, you'll figure it all out" to friends in similar situations, but it's so much harder to believe it!

Just take it one day at a time. :)

Kylie said...

You have got to do what makes your heart sing. Grad school is what's going to do it right now. Don't let anyone try to change your mind. I am so happy for you taking a risk and living your life to the fullest!

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

You sound much like I did my senior year of college. Even though I loved my college years, I was ready for my next set of experiences after college. I was ready to leave that town. All I can say is try to enjoy the things that are a part of your life now, because they might change once you're back in school.

Jen said...

i compleltly relate but i think its those exact choices that make us who we are, you will never not be who you are now, just better i guess. i definatly think it is worth so much more trying then spending your time wondering 'what if?' You will be GREAT! and everything will work out...why? because i said so! and just remember...everybody farts!

Frank said...

Yeah...grad school finances...about all that...

*head explodes*

The Alleged Ringleader said...

Just jump girl! Everything will work itself out, I just know it!

Little Fish said...

I love those lyrics!

I think that people are afraid of the unknown and so, while they mean well, they want you too choose a traditional path so that they will feel confident that you are safe and secure because that is what makes them feel sade and secure. You should feel very proud of yourself for following your own heart and mind and not being afraid to take risks!

Bayjb said...

That is the toughest line to straddle, but you have to do what is best for you. Go with your gut and it will never lead you astray.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Oh yes, walking with one foot on each side...I think that's how I'm walking all the time!

amanda said...

Hang in there! Things will fall
together...without you even knowing they are falling together. Take a leap of faith, and trust it!

*That picture sort of reminded me of when Shane West takes Mandy Moore to the state boarder in A Walk To Remember-so she's standing in two places at once.*

Anonymous said...

First of all, I love the picture that you posted.

And I know what you mean. I often feel caught between two lives, but more in the sense of my blog-life vs my real life. i'm pretty much the same person but I'm finding more and more that I seem to be more honest with my virtual friends than I am with my IRL ones. I don't know if that is a good thing?

I'm also torn on the career thing occasionally.