Friday, April 03, 2009

Lasting Impressions 9

(Today's Lasting Impressions post is brought to you by another wonderful blogger I really admire and respect, Jessica from Everyday Adventures.)

Hi everyone, it's Jessica from Everyday Adventures. I thought for a long time about what to include for my contribution to the Lasting Impressions project and you'll have to forgive me because it might be all over the place.

Making and keeping friends has not been easy for me. I have a tendency to be too trusting, something that many "friends" have taken advantage of over the years, resulting in losing boyfriends to friends or having them steal and betray my trust. I think that's why I was so awful to my friend Patti in college. She was a year younger than me and totally adored me (not to sound narcissistic). We were close friends and she would do anything for me. For once, the shoe was on the other foot and I took advantage of the nice things she would do for me. And in the end, I left her behind much like I was left behind so many times before.

Years later, I ran into Patti again and I apologized for how I treated her. She was genuinely shocked and it didn't change anything between us now, but in the end, I wanted her to know and help me feel that I was not like the girls who treated me badly in high school.

Even now, I have trouble really connecting with people. I know people, I enjoy spending time with them and have a lot of "on the surface" relationships, but I have trouble really connecting one-on-one with someone on a personal level because of one thing: fear. I fear that they will leave me, as everyone before inevitably has. So I'm slow at connecting with people and take a while before I trust them. But I hope that one day the scars from past friendships gone awry can fade and I find that one friend who is the "ying" to my "yang" and who won't run away when times get tough.

There isn't any real way to wrap this up other than saying, if you know me, and have spent time with me, you'll see how trusting and loyal I can be, but forgive me if it takes time for me to fully let you in. And don't be afraid to do the same. One day, despite all of these missteps, I know it'll work out.


Anonymous said...

I can relate to this; I have had several people backstab me and do some poor things to me. My core friend group has shrunk and I'm still cautious with who I trust, both men and women. I think it's more than okay to keep the "walls," up when it comes to new relationships of any kind. You have to look out for # 1 =)

amanda said...

Amen, girl!

Vanessa said...

I can relate to this on so many levels, especially the dichotomy of trust too soon/fear of trust.

Auburn Kat said...

I can relate to this to. I have a hard time keeping friends as well and sometimes I have a bad habit of keeping people around who are not good for me.

Princess Pointful said...

It is funny when you figure out where all that seemingly nonsensical behaviour comes from. I think we all have some pretty deep seated fears in the driver's seat more than we would like.