Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Blog Swap

(Surprise! I'm not here today and you may have noticed some of your other favorite bloggers aren't at their usual places either. For the day, several 20 Something Bloggers have all swapped blogs for the Great Blog Swap 4! Today's post is brought to you by the fabulous Jenn from Living Life. I happily handed the reigns over to Jenn. Don't forget to go check out my post over here.)

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? I haven’t. It’s always something that I never, ever wanted to be bothered with. I know I can be a pretty high-maintenance girlfriend (not in the buy me things way, in the I tend to want to spend a lot of time with my significant other), and never thought talking on the phone or through a computer would satisfy that need.

A few months ago, a fellow 20 Something Blogger “introduced” me to a co-worker of hers through e-mail. She sent me a picture and a few details about this guy; he was attractive and sounded like someone I’d hit it off with…but he lived 3 states away. A couple of days later he was on Twitter. We began following each other, which lead to innocent flirting, which lead to flirting that required us to move our conversation to DMs. Phone numbers and e-mail addresses were exchanged. Hours were spent on Gchat. Countless text messages were sent back and forth. Shortly hours were spent on the phone.

Like our first messages to each other, the phone conversations started innocently enough. It didn’t take long for us to realize that we were both very attracted to each other. Our conversations grew increasingly more intimate. A date was set for me to travel to him and spend five days together. Unfortunately for me, a friend of his was not wild about the idea of me, and informed his ex-girlfriend that if she wanted him back, now was the time to act. And she did. My trip was canceled, not because they were back together, but because he needed time to sort out his feelings. I understood. I appreciated his honesty. It would have been very easy for him to have had here there and me here.

Eventually it was decided that we needed to see each other. Plans were made again. The day before we were to meet, his ex spent the night at his house. Again, I appreciate his honesty, but I was hurt and I felt like a fool. At this same time I missed our relationship immensely.

Time passed, and eventually we started talking again, keeping things as platonic as possible. I didn’t know if maintaining a friendship with him was possible, but I was willing to try. I was very open with him – telling him that if he needed me to step back, or even away, that I would. I didn’t want to keep him from being happy or to come between his relationship with another girl.

More time passed, again our conversations turned more intimate. Things with his ex ended. We now have plans to meet for the first time again. As it stands, I’ll be in his arms next week.

But I am scared. I’m scared that plans will once again change. I’m scared that he’ll be disappointed in me. I’m scared to leave him when our time together is over. I’m scared that I’ll never see him again.

See the catch is, as things currently stand we are about 6 hours apart…but he has plans to move across the country. His house is on the market and his destination will make any sort of relationship impossible.

While talking late last night, I asked if we would see each other after next weekend. His response was “I don’t know. Let’s not talk about that now.” I wasn’t and still am not sure how to take that. Don’t get me wrong, I get it – neither of us knows what the future holds, that neither of us has a crystal ball. I’m not asking for any promise or a guarantee. A simple “I hope so” would have been a wonderful answer.

Now I’m even more scared. I’m scared of meeting him, falling even harder, and then never seeing him again. This is the first person I’ve really let myself care about since I left my husband and I’m scared I’m setting myself up for more hurt. I honestly don’t know how I would handle being physically intimate with him to only find out that this is where our relationship ends.

At the same time, I don’t know that I can not meet him. I have never felt this incredible need to talk to someone, to share personal things with someone, and to be touched by someone before. I don’t know that I’m fully ready to give up on those dreams.

My head is spinning. Thinking about him is preventing me from being able to date other guys, I just don’t think it would be fair for me to date knowing that at this point I am emotionally unavailable, not to mention I have zero desire to date someone else. I need to make some decisions, have some honest conversations, and really examine my feelings.

Wish me luck in coming to the right conclusion.

11 comments:

**Liz** said...

That is a tough one Jenn.

On the one hand , if he wanted something with you, I don't understand how he would let an ex girlfriend back in. She is an ex for a reason. (BTW - I am pretty sure I know who you are talking about).

I think you owe it to yourself to go and meet him. You obviously have some feelings there that need to be worked out. You need to see what it would be like.

But you also shouldn't invest in something that might not go the way you want. Take it as a weekend or whatever it is. Just think about it in those terms and then after your visit, you can talk about the future.

Good luck.

Boyd Team said...

Jenn - I have no doubt in my mind you will come to the right decision.

If you don't go you might ask yourself what could have been. For me, it's better to know and possibly get hurt than to always wonder.

You have withstood some of the most brutal crap I've known any woman of your age go through. You stand today with your head held high and tons of self respect because of it.

Knowing what I know of you. You'll find a way to come out ahead no matter where this venture takes you.

Good Luck!

Bre

Lisa said...

Wow! That's a tough one. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders about the whole thing. Have fun, be honest while still protecting your feelings, continue to be realistic about everything and just see what happens :)

nory said...

Echoing what Liz said, this is a tough one...

I agree that you should meet him. Maybe it won't be as great as you think it will and then you won't have to worry about the futre. Or maybe it will be better than you thought and you'll both want to find a way to make it work out in the future, however that may fall.

As long as you are aware of the difficult situation and possibilities ahead of you, I think you'll be fine.

Best of luck to you. I hope the experience is a positive one full of growth and new opportunities for you!

LiLu said...

Wishing you TONS of luck... oh man, that's sticky. I hope you can find your way through it!

mycynicalpov said...

Yikes. Good luck--I'm sure if you think it through, you'll make the right choice!

Passionista said...

In the long run when the weekend is over you don't want any regrets. Don't regret not visiting him when you had the chance. Don't regret being physical with him if you weren't ready. Don't regret the what ifs. All I can say is that if he's worth some risks than at least see what you have in person before you make any decisions. Most importantly, good luck with whatever you decide.

Amandaaa said...

Ah. How exciting and nerve
racking. But I think more
exciting.

I understand your fear, but don't
let fear hold you back!

Go get em, tiger.

Amy said...

Wow, that is hard....it's scary and exciting at the same time! I wish you luck and u have to let us know how it goes! It's one of those things that you never know till you do it, huh?

Auburn Kat said...

When I get in to another relationship I'm terrified of how I will be emotionally after all of the crap my ex put me through. While I haven't gotten to the pt of being close to be in another relationship, I have a feeling a lot of my thoughts would be the same ones you are having. Hang in there and what's meant to happen will! I have confidence in you=)

kc mom said...

The way I see it---there are two strikes now. Go for it. If it falls through again, three strikes and you're out. However, I am not sure you should allow yourself to be intimate at this point. The value of your intimacy is too high, let him invest more into you and earn it.
Good Luck.