Sunday, March 01, 2009

Why I Can't Wait Till Next Weekend

As you may or may not know, my stepbrother and his family are visiting my family for a while. It was nice seeing them. Now, I am ready for them to go home. Its also reinforced the idea that I should never, ever have children. Why you may ask? Let's review....

  • The 10 month old daughter, while cute, is like a tiny annoying little yippy puppy that just follows you around and cries when you step on it, prompting dirty looks from her mother. Hey, if you dont like it, keep an eye on your kid and keep her out of the kitchen while I'm trying to clean up.
  • The same daughter also cries anytime my Golden Retriever gets around her. Shes been smacked in the face so many times with my dogs tail on would think she would be used to it by now. This of course sends the mother into a frenzy and she suggests I keep my dog in a crate. I suggest she keep her kid in a pack and play. She gets an angry look on her face and my dog gets a treat for making said child cry.
  • The three year old while incredibly adorable, has a favorite phrase and thats "Do it again." After "doing it again" approximately 110 times, I said no. Then she screamed loudly. She called me a "meanie," shes right. Things are only fun once or twice after that it makes me want to do bodily harm to myself.
  • The three year old also thinks it fun to chase my dog around. While Sandy doesnt mind being chased for a little bit, she gets tired and doesn't want to play after a while. When she crawls under the table to hide shes had it. When the three year old then crawled under the table to chase her, she whacked her head on the table and I laughed. Serves her right for not listening to her father when he said Sandy didnt want to play any more.
  • Watching children eat, especially those under the age of one is disgusting. I mean it. We had spaghetti for dinner one night and apparently the 10 month old can eat some real food if its chopped up. NASTY. She had pasta up her nose and in her hair. Sauce covered her entire face and both arms clean up to her elbows. I have no idea if she actually got any food in her mouth because she was such a hot mess I couldn't look at her. When it came time to clean up I suggested she be stripped taken outside and hosed off. Apparently that's not what you're supposed to do. I thought it was a great idea.
  • Three year olds aren't capable of going to the bathroom themselves. When she shouts "I go potty" my first instinct is to open the door and tell her go outside like the dog does. Who knew there was some sort of folding toilet seat thingy that fits under the regular toilet seat. She's had a few accidents because none of us in my house are capable of getting the little mini-kidlet seat set up in the proper amount of time. Teaching her to squat outside would just be so much easier.
  • My stepbrothers wife is a nut job. She doesnt let her the kids watch Disney movies because they are too dark and violent. She is incredibly conservative and incapable of respecting the beliefs of those different from her. As you may imagine this causes some problems in my families very liberal home. I am also going to hell because I drink wine.
  • She also took it upon herself to re-arrange things in our kitchen. I don't mean she moved the toaster. No, she moved around just about every item in our pantry and some of our cupboards "because its just easier." News flash! We have things arranged in a way that makes sense to us, I dont care if makes sense to you. I have yet to see her attempt to make dinner or help clean up so I dont know why she cares. As soon as she walked out the door this evening, I moved everything back. Take that!
  • Kids leave toys, stuffed animals, shoes, hair brushes, and anything else that they touch out for everyone to step on or trip over. I thought I was messy, I was wrong. So far I have found a sippy cup of milk shoved down into the couch cushions, a hairbrush in the dog food container, and a ladybug sticker on my dogs paw. While our house normal has a "lived in" look, kid clutter is just not fun.
Originally they were supposed to stay at our house for close to three weeks. Thankfully they have decided to head out next Saturday to visit other family. Its really in the best interest of all parties. As it stands, its going to be a long 5 days. I am actually looking forward to getting back to work on Monday, which we all know rarely happens. I have done my share of trying to corrupt the kids. The 10 month old now thinks its funny to scream at the top of her lungs and stick her tongue out. I'm still working on the three year old.

Next weekend, my whole family and the dog will be heaving a sigh of relief when life can get back to normal.

How was your weekend?

17 comments:

Little Fish said...

Note to self, do not leave future children with Mandy until they are at least 12! Got it :)

Mandy said...

Sad but true. Actually my only stipulation is that they be able to go to the bathroom and take care of their business themselves. I don't do diapers.

I do babysit my friends 7 and 11 year old and I love them! I am just not good with little kids, like under 5.

Auburn Kat said...

LOL...Little Fish's comment had me laughing! I really think that if they were your own kids you would be more forgiving of them. I also think that if the parents weren't so busy not allowing to let their kids watch Disney movies maybe they could keep the kid away from the dog?

LBluca77 said...

Reading this post makes me want to start drinking heavily. How are Disney movies violent? That lady is just nuts. If drinking means you are going to hell then Hell will be at maximum capacity.

Little Fish said...

Also, if you get to hell first promise you'll have a glass of wine waiting there for me!

Katie said...

poor sweet sandy! my sympathies lie with the dogs. :)

fiona said...

I just found you!
Friggin hilarious!
I'll be back for sure

Frank said...

I played the "do it again" thing with my niece for about 2 years straight. Luckily she's starting to grow out of it, although now she's old enough to know that she can manipulate me for just about anything, since she knows I can't say no to that face.

Katie said...

My favorite (in a post that made my sides burst was): "[She's] like a tiny annoying little yippy puppy that just follows you around and cries when you step on it, prompting dirty looks from her mother."

Still laughing so hard.

Princess Extraordinaire said...

Maybe I should change my name to childless and happy...

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I never look at other people's children as a reflection of what my children are going to be like. Instead, I look at the parents and understand exactly why the children have become the way they are. =)

The Alleged Ringleader said...

Wow bless you! You have FAR more patience than I would have in this situation!

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

Teach them swear words, Mom will love that!

MeLaNiE said...

I love kids, but I love the kind that you can send home. Hang in there...not much longer!!!

Bayjb said...

Oh I love when family comes to visit. It's always a blend of anxiety and fun. Weekend was good, hibernated a little from the weather, dreaming for spring.

nory said...

Alright, so I shouldn't be laughing at this but this post is HILARIOUS.

So much of what you said shocked me at first when I started nanny-ing but now it's almost second nature which is shocking.

If you ever have a kid, send it my way or hire me as your nanny until the kid is 11 or 12 =)

kc mom said...

You should think about doing this as stand up comic!!! I (as you know) have two kids and almost every single thing you said, hit home!!!! Seriously--comedy might just be your true calling!!!???