Tuesday, November 18, 2008

BlogSecret Day!

This is it! Today is BlogSecret Day!! In case you missed it, BlogSecret was an exercise where bloggers wrote a post about a secret -- something they couldnt tell on their own blog for whatever reason and now today that secret is being anonymously revealed on someone elses blog. This exercise was very cathartic and freeing--knowing that my secret will finally be out there but knowing that no one will know its me. A HUGE thank you to Nilsa from SoMi for organizing this project!! The post below is not my secret but some other blogger who needed to share, feel free to leave comments the anonymous blogger knows their secret is here....for a full list of BlogSecret posts visit HERE...





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I'm a virgin.

That's not my secret. A lot of people are aware of that fact. My secret is... how do I put this... exactly how 'innocent', how much of a virgin I am.

I often find myself thinking of it (not that I think of it that often, I just mean when I do this is how I think of it) as technically more than actually a virgin.

What I mean by this is that I've never physically had sex with another person. In fact, I've only ever been kissed a couple of times (and never without having drunk at least a couple of glasses of sangria or something beforehand). I'm not completely comfortable with letting people get close to me, physically or emotionally.

In spite of that, I am not completely inexperienced sexually.

When I was about 16 we went on a school trip. I shared a motel room with two other girls. We didn't really get on with the rest of the kids, so we stayed in most nights. One night we were bored of playing card games and tried to find something to watch on TV. At midnight the only thing on was porn. We were fascinated. We all sneered and laughed at it, but I for one was trying to hide how much I was aroused by it. That was the moment I discovered my liking for porn.

For a while, any time my parents were away for the weekend I'd spend the nights in front of the TV. Sometimes, if I was working late, I'd even video stuff for when I got home. I still have some embarrassing videos hidden in a closet where Charmed is recorded over the first half of some soft porn film...

When I was 19 a friend introduced me to chat rooms. I'm pretty sure she wasn't expecting me to get off with some random guy. But that was what happened. The first time in a chat room, physically sitting in the computer room at uni and I ended up having cybersex. (There was nobody else in the room and I snuck off to the bathroom to finish myself off.)

So for a while I was addicted to cybersex. Some guys wanted phone sex, but I never had the guts. Plus, the thought of some random guy breathing heavily at me down the phone line really turned me off.

Nowadays I stick to a Black Lace novel every now and again. Some of them are boring as anything. Like Tolstoy writing about sex. But others are soooo sexy :-)

Huh. I've just had an illuminating thought.

You know what? Writing this post, I've worked out what my secret really is:

I don't want to be a virgin. I'm desperate for sex.

16 comments:

saratogajean said...

Yay! BlogSecret helps yet another person!

-I survived BlogSecret '08

kc mom said...

I am not sure if I agree with your secret? I think you are yearning for the intimacy? That closeness, that love.
Take your time with it. Don't rush it. Share it with someone worth waiting for. It is too important, too special to just give away!!!
The best of luck to the secret author.......

Liam said...

Sex is natural. Don't be ashamed by it. If you want to do it. DO IT! If you want to wait? There's nothing wrong with that too.

I've never understood why people look down on women for enjoying sex. They shouldn't. Sex is fun. Do it if you want to.

desi said...

It doesn't have to mean EVERYTHING, but it should mean something. Let things be what you want them to. When you want to, and there are feelings there to back it up, go ahead, responsibly. I don't believe in holding out for the one true love. But I do believe in doing what you know is right. Hormones be damned. Ignore them.

Nilsa said...

Sounds like BlogSecret helped liberate you of a weight. Don't make any rash decisions you'll later regret ... but, don't let the momentum slow you down, either.

Belle Ecrivaine said...

Exactly what Nilsa said. Sex is not something to be ashamed of wanting, but don't do anything you'll regret later on.

adriana said...

I have a friend who is a virgin. And she goes back and forth with just wanting to "get it over with" and wanting it to be meaningful. I'm of the opinion that both are good options... Good luck!

Lacey Bean said...

In the end, in regards to sex, I say do whatever feels right to you. Whether thats waiting for someone "special" or just getting it done with. :)

Erin said...

I was 23 when I lost my virginity. I was also a huge hornball up until that point, too. My first time was horrible, second time was nice and the other 15 partners were forgettable. I'm giving them too much credit calling them 'partners.'

Do what feels right, I agree with that.

Andy said...

WOW! That was... spicy!

Katie said...

I agree with a lot of people here - don't make any sudden decisions. Embrace sex if it comes your way in a GOOD situation, or else I'm afraid that you're creating another problem.

I'm glad you're working things out though!

Best of Luck!

Alexa said...

this is a fun one. but don't just go have "real" sex for the sake of having sex!

Princess Pointful said...

Sexuality is about more than sex, you know. It sounds like you are more in touch with your own than many, many people.

Heather said...

Aww your porn story brought me back to my own youth. In my (tiny) home town there were two video stores. One I kept for my secret porn addiction and one where I rented normal movies lol.

I didnt rush into sex either and I'm glad I didnt. So long as whenever/however is a memory you can fondly look back on then go for it!

Paula said...

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24 (that's not a secret, I am quite honest about it with people) and I am okay with that. I did used to vary between wanting to get it over with and wanting to wait but ultimately I did it with someone I trusted and it wasn't so much the sex but, like kc mom said, the intimacy, that was what i think i had ultimately been waiting for.

LBluca77 said...

I am so bummed I missed blogsecret day. Stupid broken laptop. Stupid work policy about not going online that I am so breaking right now.