Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Drunken Antics

Alternatively called why cottage cheese and Jaeger Bombs should NOT be mixed. Ben is asking us to relive the story behind our worst hangover in order to raise awareness about the dangers of binge drinking. If you are sqeamish or easily grossed out in any way, shape, or form you should probably go to the next blog in your Google Reader now.......


Decide to hang around? Ok, but you have been warned.

Please keep in mind that this happened over 5 years ago when I was young and stupid!

The night of my worst drinking binge/hangover story was not a stellar night for me. Previous to being picked up by best friend I had been setting up for a bridal shower for a friend who was marrying an asshole. After several hours of manual labor, not eating ALL day, and being given a ticket for running a stop sign; I was literally a hot mess. Little did I know the mess I was then, would have nothing on the mess I would be later that night and in the following morning.

Best Friend comes to pick me up for a night of much needed drunkenness. I am recounting the story how my day had been thus far for her (sobbing because I was physically and emotionally drained), while shoveling cottage cheese (because its now around 9pm and I haven’t eaten ALL day) straight from the plastic container into my mouth. Our first stop was a local bar where there were very few people. Best Friends mom bought me a few beers while I continued to bemoan my fate and again recount how bitter I was about the impending wedding and the fact that it took four policemen, two cruisers to give me one $180 ticket for running a stop sign. I think I may have also repeated the story for a few of the other bar patrons which lead to not only their sympathy but also more free beer. Looking back, they probably just wanted me to shut the hell up, quit crying, and go away. Best Friend decides we need to go meet my brother and some of our other friends. I may or may not have been a little tipsy at this point. I get in the car and finish the container of cottage cheese that has now sat in the car for an hour or so, cottage cheese is just curdled milk so I guess I just figured whats a little more curdling at this point. I apparently forgot to mention to Best Friend that the cottage cheese was the only thing I had eaten all day. (For months I had been eating nothing but cottage cheese and jello, which is a horribly unhealthy way to lose weight for a wedding, but it was working).

We get to the second bar where for some reason I had the brilliant idea that we were all going to do jaeger bombs. Not just one round but three then four rounds (I learned in the later weeks that I was only one who indulged in more than one Jaeger bomb) over the next several hours, in addition to several beers. I must have been pulling off one hell of a “No I’m Drunk routine” because no one had any idea how bad I really was (Best Friend was completely sober and had to drive the rest of us home), that is until got up off the barstool and promptly fell over, literally.. I honestly don’t remember feeling drunk until I stood up, then my starving, overly inebriated self saw a whirl of neon lights, blurry faces, and then the dirty sticky floorboards of the bar. With Best Friends help I stood up and we somehow made it outside into the cool night air. While I leaned my forehead against cold bricks, Best Friend went inside to gather up another friend so we could leave. We needed to drop the other person off before heading back to my house to somehow sober me up for a bridal shower which was going to require me to make an appearance at 9AM sharp dressed in skirt, hose, and heels.

Best Friend and Other Friend managed to dump me in the back of the car. Despite it being 35 degree outside I insisted that the back window be rolled down so I wouldn’t get sick and hurl all over the back of Best Friends Grand Am, because really that would just be plain gross, right? As many of you probably know the back windows in most vehicles only go down halfway. Other Friend unfortunately lived on a ridge about 4 miles out a twisty turny road. All most to Other Friend’s house I frantically start waving my arms and attempt to scream that Best Friend needs to pull over RIGHT NOW. I never finished the sentence before the entire contents of my stomach which included half a carton of cottage cheese, four Jaeger bombs, and who knows how many beers came up. I attempted to hang my head out the window, but surprise it only went down halfway which means that a horribly bile, foul smelling concoction complete with white chunks of curdled milk was now spewed on the door both inside and outside of the Grand Am. Need to go vomit yourself now? Go ahead I’ll wait………..

I warned you it was nasty!!

Better now? Ok. So where were we? Oh right, on the side of the road out in no man’s land with me limply laying half out of the car heaving my guts out while Best Friend and Other Friend use beach towels to wipe down the inside door panel. After a good twenty minutes my stomach is now empty, I am again in the back seat. Other Friend gets dropped off, Best Friend and I make it back to my house. I have no idea what time it was, only that I spent the night lying in my bathtub fully clothed clutching a blue mop bucket for dear life. Best Friend, who had spent the night sleeping on the bathroom floor beside me woke me up a few hours later so I could be showered and ready because remember, I have to be at the church for a bridal shower. Not just any bridal shower, I was the maid of honor so coping out was not an option.

My head felt like someone was driving a railroad spike right between my eyes with a sledge hammer. My eyes were bloodshot. I had dark circles underneath my eyes, and I am 99% sure I was still drunk. There in the still dark bathroom (light was not an option) unable to process a single though, I started the shower and laid in the bathtub praying to die right then and there. When that didn’t happen I somehow managed to get cleaned up. Best Friend had ironed my clothes, gotten nylons out, and helped me get dressed – all the while my mother was downstairs getting herself ready and had no idea that her usually responsible daughter was on the brink of alcohol poisoning, wishing she were dead. After an hour of curling my hair, applying copious amounts of concealer, liberally applying enough perfume to rival a 99 year old woman who hadn’t showered in days, and drinking a third of a bottle of Scope I was ready for the bridal shower.

On my way out the door Best Friend handed me a couple pieces of bread to chew on. The thought of putting anything in my mouth turned by empty stomach and I threw them out into the driveway for the birds. To this day my mom has no idea how drunk I was. I managed to pull off the entire wedding shower, teetering around in high heels complete with serving scalding hot wedding soup to unsuspecting shower guests. It was really an Academy Award worthy performance. Unfortunately, I remember very little of it but had it been a horrendous disaster I would have heard about it from all parties involved.

In the end my friend for whom I was performing maid of honor duties was happy (she ended up divorcing her asshole of a husband before their year anniversary). My mom was happy. And I managed to get out of having to pay my $180 ticket for running a stop sign, which of course made me very happy. I think I promptly went to bed and slept for the next two days after the bridal shower. I believe I told people I had the flu. Best Friend had to use a pocket knife to get the cottage cheese curds out of the little black strip on either side of the actual car window (as soon as I was up among the land of the living, I paid for her car to be cleaned and completely detailed). I couldn’t eat cottage cheese for a few years after the incident and I only in the past few months had my first Jaeger Bomb since that night. .

Really, learn from my mistakes. Don’t be a Jonze!


Stacy said...

That makes for a great PSA: Warning, Jag-bombs and Cottage Cheese are a lethal combination!

MeLaNiE said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MeLaNiE said...

haha so I just had to scrowl down past the story and leave you a comment! I have a weak stomach, especially when I saw cottage cheese in the same story as alcohol ;)

Unknown said...

Geh! Mine involves several "mini pitchers" of long island iced tea, a visit from my parents, pajamas and a trash can in the middle of a gas station parking lot. I'm still living that one down, 9 years later.

Andy said...

OK, this is not as disgusting as I would have thought.

Why? Because I went to a morgue today. Nothing can beat that.

Auburn Kat said...

Yeah, as soon as I read cottage cheese I knew what was coming!!!

Ben said...

[...let's check out the entries, shall we...]


Trina G. said...

Funny. Now, right????

My worst hangover in the world also included Jaeger. I just collapsed at a house party, next thing I know, it's morning and I"m laying face down on the front lawn with a blanket over me. WTF? That was a 2 days hangover. I haven't been able to drink it since.

Mandy said...

Stacy -- Oh God is it ever!

Melanie -- Glad there was a warning for you. LOL.

RebeccaC -- Ohhh, pajamas and a trash can in the middle of a parking lot AND your parents...that has to be a great story.

Andy - I needed to leave out some of the graphic details so I wouldnt run to the restrooom while writing.

Auburn Kat -- Yeah, it doesnt leave much to the imagination does it? LOL.

Ben -- These stories make me feel no so ridiculous.

Sissy -- It is funny now. Sleeping in the front lawn, never did that. LOL. Ah well, there's still time.