Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout Birthin' Babies

Much like Prissy in the movie Gone With the Wind, I can honestly say "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies!" While I like kids, I like kids who can talk and tell me what they want, kids who can use a toilet and take care of their business all on their own, kids who I can take to the movies get high on sugar and drop them back off at their parents house. Babies? Well,to be frank, babies scare the hell out of me. I think they are cute as long as someone else is holding them. I can even coo and talk baby talk to them, but as soon as one is handed to me, forget it, all bets are off. I don't even like to hold little babies, because I am a klutz and fear dropping them. As soon I take possession of a little one, chances are pretty good they will scream their heads off, which in turn causes me to run to the nearest person and beg them to take the child. "Please take the baby, he/she wont stop crying, pleasepleasepleasePLEASE take him/her!" Babies and I just don't get along too well. I just don't know what to do with them.

This past weekend I went to a baby shower for my friend Erin who is expecting a baby, apparently any minute. I have other friends who have children, but Erin is really the first friend I have ever experienced a pregnancy with. From seeing the positive EPT home pregnancy test, to seeing the first 3D ultra sound picture things, to knowing WAY more than I ever wanted to know about child birth. Seriously, there is a TON of stuff I had absolutely no idea about. Its like learning a whole new lingo that only pregnant woman and mom's know. Here are some tidbits of some random conversations I've had in the past 8 months....

E: "I'm spotting."
Me: "Spotting what?"
E: "You know, spotting."
Me: "What are you spotting?"
E: "Not what, me, I'm spotting." Then she proceeded to tell me what exactly spotting meant.
Me: "OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhh."

E: "I hope the baby doesn't get much bigger, I don't want his head to be too big."
Me: "Yeah, babies with big heads look kinda funny."
E: "Man-dy, that is not the reason I don't want the baby's head to be too big, but you are right."
Me: "Why don't want you want the baby to have a big head?"
E: "Because if he gets too big they will have to take him."
Me: "Take him where? They can't take him anywhere till you shove him out of your hoo-ha."
E: "Not take him someplace Mandy, take him, as in like having a C-section."
Me: "OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhh."

E: "I hope I dont have to have stitches."
Me: "You're having a baby, how would that in any way involve stitches."
E: Proceeds to explain.
Me "OOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh."

E: "I put a mat in my car cause I don't want to ruin the new seats."
Me: "Why would you ruin the seats?"
E: "In case my water breaks when I am driving somewhere."
Me: "Isn't that something that happens in the hospital?"
E: "No, it can happen anywhere."
Me: "Really? You mean we could be walking through Walmart and your water could just break? Like water just running down your legs making a puddle on the floor?"
E: "Yup, pretty much."
Me: "OOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh."

And the most recent.....

E: "I lost my mucus plug today."
Me: "Awww man, that sucks, how much is that going to cost to replace?"

I honestly thought she was talking about her car. Apparently, I skipped the health class where mucus plugs were involved. But really, who knew?

Apparently Rachel's daughter Diana and I have a lot to learn about babies.


Rachel said...

oh honey

there is sooooo much to learn

sarah said...


man, hopefully you never actually SEE a mucus plug. they're pretty disgusting.

MeLaNiE said...

haha this is cracking me up! don't worry, I don't know much either & don't really want to know anytime soon :)

Mandy said...

Rachel--I think in this case ignorance is bliss.

Sarah--From what I gathered they are pretty gross and I agree, I hope I never see one.

Melanie--yes, having a pregnant friend is the best form of birth control.

Lauren Elizabeth said...

Hahahaha, GROSS!

I always say I like babies when they aren't mine. (Meaning I don't have one...nevermind)

Mandy said...

I know exactly what you mean.....thanks for coming by, love your blog!

Trina G. said...

yeah, I agree. Even though I've HAD a baby, I'm not ashamed to say that I really didn't have fun with him until he was 8 months old. babies just poo and sleep and cry. Not much to contribute. I feel really uncomfortable around babies too.

I love your child birthing class you have had with your girlfriend. Makes you really NOT want to have a baby:)

Mucas plugs are over rated:)

Randi said...

He-He...At least you're honest! You will have plenty of time to know more about babies if you wish to.

I'm on my second and sometimes I still feel in the dark with certain topics!

Unknown said...

Eeew! Eeeww! Eeeww! The mucus plug freaks me out! The water breaking freaks me out! The "afterbirth" ---I know you didn't mention it but -- FREAKS ME OUT!

I wish I were completely ignorant of all this. I may never, ever stop taking the vitamin P.

Mandy said...

Sissy--it makes me feel better to know that! Thank goodness her husband is doing lamaze classes with her.

Randi--PLEN-TTTTY of time to find out about it, much much much later.

RebeccaC--when we had the afterbirth conversation, it left me with my fingers plugging my ears and me repeating "alalalalalalalal I can't hear you" over and over.

Bayjb said...

I laughed out loud multiple times while reading this. Seriously. The mucus plug thing is hilarious. I want to adopt an 18-year old so we're past the whole, "I hate you" part of adolescence and they're ready to make money for me.

Pretty Unfamous said...

Hahaha, don't worry. If she's your first close friend going through all of this, for the next one, you won't sound so dumb!

Rachel said...

Enjoy this;

Andy said...

LOLZ... This was my FAVORITE post during my vacation. It made my day so many days!! I just kept reading it and laughing and reading it again and laughing. It was great.