Friday, July 28, 2006

Confessions of an ex-bridesmaid...

I firmly believe that weddings bring out the best and the worst in people. I belong in the latter category. Of course most people want the fairy tale wedding--big white fluffy dress, pink taffeta bridesmaid dresses, fountains of flowers, and of course in a perfect world it would all go off without a single problem. Of course thats the part thats the fairy tale. Weddings are a lot work, a lot of planning, and a huge investment of both time and money.

In the past year and a half, I was asked to participate in three weddings. I managed to suck it up and get thru the first two, altough not without lots and lots of complaining. Weddings just aren't my thing, especially the ones that involve ice sculptures, a chartered bus and a wedding budget more than three times my annual salary. You always hear the horror stories of "Bridezilla" and the horrible maid of honor who bailed out of the wedding at the last minute. I can honestly say now, I too, have my very own horror story.

I was asked to be a maid of honor for a very good friend. At the time I was asked, this friend and I were on very good terms.....she was practically a member of the family. Somehow in the course of a year, we went from talking four times a day to not talking at all. The wedding completely took over life and every aspect of it. Not only did she have to have a huge wedding, it had to be THE wedding of the year. We're talking string quartets, ice sculptures, wedding video's, top shelf liquor, and 350 of the happy couples closest friends. Now, I myself, probably couldn't come up with 100 people to invite to a wedding let alone 350, but if I threw in the mailman, my second grade teacher, my next door neighbor from when I was 5, and the nurse that was on duty when I was born, I might be able to come up with 150 but thats it. Keep in mind, the bride and groom aren't wealthy, but the bride-being the only daughter and granddaugther-thought that anything she wanted, she should have. Being the only daughter and granddaughter, it never occured to anyone to tell the bride the word "no." The food for this wedding cost more than I make in a year, yes thats right, a whole year! If this is making you physically ill, join the club.

Bridezilla and I started having some difference of opinions. From the monstrosity of a dress that had spaghetti straps and a fake rhinestone right on the ass (Now, if you know me, you know I am too well endowed for spaghetti straps and my ghetto booty sticks out enough without having a damn rhinestone sitting on top of it!) to shelling out money for a bridal shower the bride herself planned--complete with alcohol (Now who in the hell has alcohol at a bridal shower?) we had some major disagreements. The big turning point was the bachelorette party, which the bride also wanted to plan herself. She wanted a cabin, a couple of kegs, strippers-- again, the whole works. This is where, I had to finally say that little word that no one dare tell a bride -- NO! I work for my money and have things like college loans, a car payment, car insurance I need to pay for before I shell out my greenbacks for a gay male stripper gyrating and groving his sock stuffed speedo clad body to some bad 80's music while a bunch of people I didnt know get drunk on cheap keg beer. Call me crazy, but thats just not my idea of a good time.

Basically bridezilla and I stopped talking, and after lots of complaining to my mom, crying, and more complaining to my mom , I felt the best thing to do was no longer participate in the wedding. It wasnt an easy decision, but it was what I needed to do. I'm not upset about not being in the wedding of the year, but I am upset about the loss of a great friendship.

Lessons learned from this whole ordeal--weddings and Mandy do not mix. In the unlikely event I ever find a gozillionaire and feel the need to get married, it will involve a remote location, a few family and friends, and a couple boxes of twinkies! Oh, and as a side note--I am selling the monstrosity of a dress to the girl who will be my replacement in this wedding of the year. Ironically, her name is Angel.


Tammy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tammy said...

I love this story and know every word is true...Love, Mom

The Huge Spectrum said...

Well, I think the money part could have been talked about. I see a little bit of jealousy coming out. that is what it looks like from an outsider